the journey so far

I realized tonight that even though I have introduced myself on this *blog* (actually just an online journal that probably no one ever reads lol) I haven't really introduced myself.

You're probably thinking- uh... yeah you have. But no I haven't. I haven't ever opened up really to a lot of people about WHO I am and WHY I'm here. WHY I am so passionate about creating this lifestyle of wellness. Mental Wellness. Physical Wellness. Spiritual Wellness. Learning new habits, etc.

The reason I am passionate about it is because I'M. STILL. TRYING. TOO. and I want to help others get as far as I've come and help each other along the way. You're probably thinking (or maybe you're not thinking) why are you trying? Well... that's what I'm here to tell you.

I always - from what I remember - was ~chubbier~ growing up. I had really chubby cheeks, a belly, etc. I remember clear as day (sort of clear because therapy has helped me not make this memory so pivotal in my life) one time in 6th grade I was at recess and a boy once told me:

"You'd be a lot prettier if you lost weight."

I remember being in shock. Thinking to myself. Wow- he must be right if he had the guts to tell me that straight to my face. I obviously was not pretty because of how fat I was. I started to notice my body more and I grew to be uncomfortable in my body. I was in SIXTH GRADE!!

Flash forward two years later there was this one time in 8th grade. I got made fun of by these two girls who I thought were my friends at the time but really weren't. They drew a picture of me as an elephant and said that if I ever sat on anyone I'm so fat and heavy that I'd crush them.

Again- if they thought that (I thought to myself) then it must be true. I really became even more self conscious. I would start wearing baggier shirts to hide my stomach and sweatshirts to school so no one would notice how *big* I was.

I would cry and cry to my parents about how fat and ugly I was. How no boy would ever like me because I was so overweight and chubby.

Flash forward to High School. Ahhhhh High School. Boy was that the pits. I don't know how many times I tried dieting or not eating as much, or just plain old eating my feelings because I thought that no boy could ever like me. I thought that everyone was judging my body. Remember this was all my thoughts. No one ever said anything to me in High School but your mind is tricky. I was on the High School cheer team with all my friends who were thinner than I was. I always had to get my skirt taken out because of my stomach. I hated cheer camp because we were in tank tops and short shorts and my thighs stuck together and I always had arm fat and back fat and stomach rolls in the uniforms. I would cry to my mom telling her how fat I was again. She told me that no matter what I was beautiful. But, I never believed her. Every time I looked in the mirror I thought back to those times in 6th and 8th grade when I would get picked on for my size. I need to be skinner so I am prettier and so I don't crush anyone. I hated when my boyfriend at the time would touch my body. Would touch my sides or just even hug me. I was scared I would crush him if I sat on his lap because of my weight.

Finally I graduated from High School. Freedom. I decided to put in the work and start dieting hard core. When I mean hard core I mean I cut out, all sugar (fruits, candies, etc.) from my diet, I cut out bread, I cut out any sort of starch actually. Basically all I ate was meat, eggs, and some cheeses. I worked out and started running like crazy. I counted my calories and only ate about 1200 maybe 1500 if I "over ate". I started to notice the pounds falling off. I started getting more attention. I wanted to impress my boyfriend at the time because I thought

"Oh he will definitely love me more if I'm skinner. I can't believe he'd date me now."

I started losing weight. By the end of my first semester of my freshman year (December) I had lost 50 pounds. 6 months. I would work out and not eat (pretty much). I was eating 'healthy' or so I thought. But, even with all the attention and pounds I had lost I wasn't happy. Every time I looked in the mirror I'd suck in. I would think - oh I could lose more weight.

I was depressed. I had developed body dysmorphia. I remember my dad even asking me one time "Are you eating enough?" I was offended and shocked and said "yeah of course dad. I'm just working out a lot and losing weight".

I don't remember what happened or when it happened but I started to gain the weight back slowly. I was angry. I would continue to burn off the calories at the gym based on how much I ate. If I ate something that was 300 calories I made sure to burn 400 calories. I would do anything and everything to "burn it off".

Then I went through a really tough spot in my life. That is really personal and a time of growth for me. I was at my lowest point that I can remember. I was unhappy with who I was. I never thought I was beautiful. I never thought I was worth anything. I was depressed. I felt literally nothing. I thought that I needed to lose more weight. I started thinking of ways to purge the food so that I could literally do everything and anything to lose weight. My brain went to the next possible fastest way to do it.

I remember crying in my bathroom at college in the shower thinking that I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to FEEL something again. So- I picked myself up and the next day I called the school counseling center and I got in.

I started going to therapy February of 2015. That was when my life started to turn around.. I learned a lot about myself. I learned about my body dysmorphia, my eating disorder, and my unhealthy relationship not only with myself but with food. I learned about intuitive eating. I learned how to not make those two horrible memories in my mind be so pivotal. They're now just a memory.

Now- was I healed? Was I finally happy with my body again and just ate whatever I wanted without feeling guilty? NO WAY. It was a learning process that now 4 years later I am still working on. I got better for a while and then started therapy again because I would start weighing myself every. single. second. I could.

Wake up. Pee. Weigh Myself
Eat Breakfast. Weigh Myself
Go to the bathroom. Weigh Myself
Eat Lunch. Weigh Myself.

and so on and so on and so on. You get the point. Any chance I could. I would step on that scale. My therapist told me that my thoughts were like a pie chart and 90% of the pie chart was my body image, my weight, and what I ate. that other 10% was everything else that mattered in my life. I started to develop habits and tricks with him to help me not want to weigh myself.

When I got that urge- I would literally have to say 'Nope. I don't need to weigh myself." I even at one point had to hide the scale.

I learned how to cope with my anxiety with breathing techniques and learned how when I start to have thoughts or feeling towards that 90% piece of pie- I'd come up with something else. He helped me start to make working out a stress reliever again. He told me that its not a bad thing to have running be a way to relieve my stress but I needed to STOP comparing it to the calories.

I have come to realize that this does NOT have to define me forever. It is not a one quick fix after therapy. But I will overcome it and I'm getting there. I am so close. I have my good days and weeks but I also have my bad days and weeks. It happens. It is all about progress. More good days than bad.

Body Dysmorphia and Eating Disorders are real. Just because a person doesn't look like they have an eating disorder doesn't mean they don't have one. I have learned that I am more than what I was before. I am more than just what my body is made of. My body can do so much.

I have started to lean my focus more towards that. Towards not just physical health and wellness but OVERALL health and wellness. We need to have all dimensions of wellness whole because when your mental wellness is weak it influences your physical wellness and spiritual wellness... etc.

So. That's why I am here. That is what has made me who I am today. Woof. that was a lot and if you've read it all. BRAVO. You get a high five.

This is me. This is who I am. This is my past and its not my future. I am more than a number on a scale. I am more than just a pant size, or a shirt size or a dress size. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a wife. I am a friend. I am a coworker. I am an aunt.

I am constantly working on being better and thats why I want to help people get to where I am. I want to help people realize that these behaviors that you have DO NOT need to last forever. They aren't just cause you are 'lazy' or 'its your genetics' - maybe something in your past made you behave this way. Just like it made me behave. I struggle every day.. I have anxiety about it. Sometimes I am in tears with how much I hate myself and my body. But, then the next day I try and pick myself back up and start over.

I am working towards being strong. I am working towards fueling my body for energy. I am working on remembering that food is supposed to be enjoyed not hated. That LIFE is supposed to be enjoyed. I am working on being mentally strong. I am working on being spiritually strong. Thats what matters. That we are working on being healthy - but in all aspects of our lives and thats what I want help others to do.