the journey so far

I realized tonight that even though I have introduced myself on this *blog* (actually just an online journal that probably no one ever reads lol) I haven't really introduced myself.

You're probably thinking- uh... yeah you have. But no I haven't. I haven't ever opened up really to a lot of people about WHO I am and WHY I'm here. WHY I am so passionate about creating this lifestyle of wellness. Mental Wellness. Physical Wellness. Spiritual Wellness. Learning new habits, etc.

The reason I am passionate about it is because I'M. STILL. TRYING. TOO. and I want to help others get as far as I've come and help each other along the way. You're probably thinking (or maybe you're not thinking) why are you trying? Well... that's what I'm here to tell you.

I always - from what I remember - was ~chubbier~ growing up. I had really chubby cheeks, a belly, etc. I remember clear as day (sort of clear because therapy has helped me not make this memory so pivotal in my life) one time in 6th grade I was at recess and a boy once told me:

"You'd be a lot prettier if you lost weight."

I remember being in shock. Thinking to myself. Wow- he must be right if he had the guts to tell me that straight to my face. I obviously was not pretty because of how fat I was. I started to notice my body more and I grew to be uncomfortable in my body. I was in SIXTH GRADE!!

Flash forward two years later there was this one time in 8th grade. I got made fun of by these two girls who I thought were my friends at the time but really weren't. They drew a picture of me as an elephant and said that if I ever sat on anyone I'm so fat and heavy that I'd crush them.

Again- if they thought that (I thought to myself) then it must be true. I really became even more self conscious. I would start wearing baggier shirts to hide my stomach and sweatshirts to school so no one would notice how *big* I was.

I would cry and cry to my parents about how fat and ugly I was. How no boy would ever like me because I was so overweight and chubby.

Flash forward to High School. Ahhhhh High School. Boy was that the pits. I don't know how many times I tried dieting or not eating as much, or just plain old eating my feelings because I thought that no boy could ever like me. I thought that everyone was judging my body. Remember this was all my thoughts. No one ever said anything to me in High School but your mind is tricky. I was on the High School cheer team with all my friends who were thinner than I was. I always had to get my skirt taken out because of my stomach. I hated cheer camp because we were in tank tops and short shorts and my thighs stuck together and I always had arm fat and back fat and stomach rolls in the uniforms. I would cry to my mom telling her how fat I was again. She told me that no matter what I was beautiful. But, I never believed her. Every time I looked in the mirror I thought back to those times in 6th and 8th grade when I would get picked on for my size. I need to be skinner so I am prettier and so I don't crush anyone. I hated when my boyfriend at the time would touch my body. Would touch my sides or just even hug me. I was scared I would crush him if I sat on his lap because of my weight.

Finally I graduated from High School. Freedom. I decided to put in the work and start dieting hard core. When I mean hard core I mean I cut out, all sugar (fruits, candies, etc.) from my diet, I cut out bread, I cut out any sort of starch actually. Basically all I ate was meat, eggs, and some cheeses. I worked out and started running like crazy. I counted my calories and only ate about 1200 maybe 1500 if I "over ate". I started to notice the pounds falling off. I started getting more attention. I wanted to impress my boyfriend at the time because I thought

"Oh he will definitely love me more if I'm skinner. I can't believe he'd date me now."

I started losing weight. By the end of my first semester of my freshman year (December) I had lost 50 pounds. 6 months. I would work out and not eat (pretty much). I was eating 'healthy' or so I thought. But, even with all the attention and pounds I had lost I wasn't happy. Every time I looked in the mirror I'd suck in. I would think - oh I could lose more weight.

I was depressed. I had developed body dysmorphia. I remember my dad even asking me one time "Are you eating enough?" I was offended and shocked and said "yeah of course dad. I'm just working out a lot and losing weight".

I don't remember what happened or when it happened but I started to gain the weight back slowly. I was angry. I would continue to burn off the calories at the gym based on how much I ate. If I ate something that was 300 calories I made sure to burn 400 calories. I would do anything and everything to "burn it off".

Then I went through a really tough spot in my life. That is really personal and a time of growth for me. I was at my lowest point that I can remember. I was unhappy with who I was. I never thought I was beautiful. I never thought I was worth anything. I was depressed. I felt literally nothing. I thought that I needed to lose more weight. I started thinking of ways to purge the food so that I could literally do everything and anything to lose weight. My brain went to the next possible fastest way to do it.

I remember crying in my bathroom at college in the shower thinking that I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to FEEL something again. So- I picked myself up and the next day I called the school counseling center and I got in.

I started going to therapy February of 2015. That was when my life started to turn around.. I learned a lot about myself. I learned about my body dysmorphia, my eating disorder, and my unhealthy relationship not only with myself but with food. I learned about intuitive eating. I learned how to not make those two horrible memories in my mind be so pivotal. They're now just a memory.

Now- was I healed? Was I finally happy with my body again and just ate whatever I wanted without feeling guilty? NO WAY. It was a learning process that now 4 years later I am still working on. I got better for a while and then started therapy again because I would start weighing myself every. single. second. I could.

Wake up. Pee. Weigh Myself
Eat Breakfast. Weigh Myself
Go to the bathroom. Weigh Myself
Eat Lunch. Weigh Myself.

and so on and so on and so on. You get the point. Any chance I could. I would step on that scale. My therapist told me that my thoughts were like a pie chart and 90% of the pie chart was my body image, my weight, and what I ate. that other 10% was everything else that mattered in my life. I started to develop habits and tricks with him to help me not want to weigh myself.

When I got that urge- I would literally have to say 'Nope. I don't need to weigh myself." I even at one point had to hide the scale.

I learned how to cope with my anxiety with breathing techniques and learned how when I start to have thoughts or feeling towards that 90% piece of pie- I'd come up with something else. He helped me start to make working out a stress reliever again. He told me that its not a bad thing to have running be a way to relieve my stress but I needed to STOP comparing it to the calories.

I have come to realize that this does NOT have to define me forever. It is not a one quick fix after therapy. But I will overcome it and I'm getting there. I am so close. I have my good days and weeks but I also have my bad days and weeks. It happens. It is all about progress. More good days than bad.

Body Dysmorphia and Eating Disorders are real. Just because a person doesn't look like they have an eating disorder doesn't mean they don't have one. I have learned that I am more than what I was before. I am more than just what my body is made of. My body can do so much.

I have started to lean my focus more towards that. Towards not just physical health and wellness but OVERALL health and wellness. We need to have all dimensions of wellness whole because when your mental wellness is weak it influences your physical wellness and spiritual wellness... etc.

So. That's why I am here. That is what has made me who I am today. Woof. that was a lot and if you've read it all. BRAVO. You get a high five.

This is me. This is who I am. This is my past and its not my future. I am more than a number on a scale. I am more than just a pant size, or a shirt size or a dress size. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a wife. I am a friend. I am a coworker. I am an aunt.

I am constantly working on being better and thats why I want to help people get to where I am. I want to help people realize that these behaviors that you have DO NOT need to last forever. They aren't just cause you are 'lazy' or 'its your genetics' - maybe something in your past made you behave this way. Just like it made me behave. I struggle every day.. I have anxiety about it. Sometimes I am in tears with how much I hate myself and my body. But, then the next day I try and pick myself back up and start over.

I am working towards being strong. I am working towards fueling my body for energy. I am working on remembering that food is supposed to be enjoyed not hated. That LIFE is supposed to be enjoyed. I am working on being mentally strong. I am working on being spiritually strong. Thats what matters. That we are working on being healthy - but in all aspects of our lives and thats what I want help others to do.

Growth vs. Fixed Mindset

In terms of growing, changing, and becoming better for yourself there are three change "powers" that need to happen and Imma about to break down the three for you. Let's chat about the first one shall we? Pull up a chair. Grab some popcorn and listen up.

Have you ever thought to yourself (after trying to make a new habit stick) "I can't do this. I will always be this dumb." or, "I'm so fat. I cannot get stronger. I should just give up now- nothing is working." or even, "I will never be as pretty, funny, strong, or smart as her/him"?

Guess what sweetie, we've all been there.

Even me. I struggle with this every single day. It is hard. It is exhausting. For example the other night I was laying in bed talking to Jake- and we got talking about health, our bodies, etc and I started crying. I was stuck in such a fixed mindset. I kept telling him how disgusting I was. How I have tried and tried and tried to get stronger but nothing was working. I was unhappy with myself. I was stuck in this mindset.

Carol S. Dweck a professor of Psychology at Stanford University and the author of the book "Mindset: The New Psychology of Success". Talks about this!! She talks about FIXED VS GROWTH MINDSET. 

She discusses that people fall within two mindsets according to their belief about where ability comes from. 

GROWTH AND FIXED MINSET

She says that in a Fixed Mindset: "Students (or people) believe that their basic abilities, intelligence, talents, are just fixed traits. They have a certain amount and that's that. Then their goal becomes to look smart all the time and never look dumb".

In a growth mindset: "Students (or people) understand that their talents and abilities can be developed through effort, good teaching, and persistence. They don't necessarily think everyone's the same or anyone can be Einstein, but they believe everyone can get smarter if they work at it."

Basically in the dumbed down version or the way I understand it is- fixed mindset = NEGATIVE SELF TALK. You can never change. You always be the way you are. You can never be mentally healthy, physically healthy, spiritually healthy, etc. Growth mindset = POSITIVE SELF TALK. You CAN change. You CAN create new habits, new skills, new mindsets. 

So if you're stuck in a fixed mindset... 

HOW DO YOU CHANGE IT??

Well first things first...

IT TAKES EFFORT. It will not happen overnight. You have to tell yourself that. If you fail the first day at changing mindsets- don't think you can never get it because - thinking like that is a fixed mindset. Pick yourself up again and keep going. 

But there are two tricks to help you out in changing the way you think. Changing your mindset from fixed to G R O W T H. They are...

1. Recognize it. Recognize when you are having those negative thoughts. What's triggering it? Is it a situation? Is it people? Is it food? Why are those things triggers? Listen and observe yourself. Is this a growth mindset or a fixed mindset? 

2. Talk back to it. - weird right? I know. But, when you are starting to talk to yourself in a negative way- talk back to it. Realize that- Hey.. This is not going to help me. I CAN figure this out. It IS okay that I enjoy chocolates. It is okay that I didn't run as long or as fast as I wanted to. I will be stronger tomorrow, etc. It is weird at first but once you get the hang of it, it really does help. 

Here are some examples of talking back to a fixed mindset:

Instead of: "She's so smart. I will never be that smart."

TRY: "I'm going to figure out how she does it."

Instead of: "I'm not good at this."

TRY: "What am I missing?"

Instead of: "I'm awesome at this."

TRY: "I'm on the right track."

Instead of: "I can't make this any better."

TRY: "I can always improve. So I will keep trying."

In this day and age (haha I sound so old), it is so easy and "funny" to talk negative to ourselves. BUT. Does it help? No!!!! I am the pot calling the kettle black or whatever the saying is... because guess what? I DO THIS ALL THE TIME AND IT IS SO HARD TO RECOGNIZE IT SOMETIMES!!! But, I am trying. That is what is important. I am trying to change the way I think about myself and about what I am doing. It is not all about my physical health like I talked about in my last post. It is more than that. Change Powers matter and this is the first one. YOUR MINDSET COUNTS. We can do this. It will take time. But we can do it. 

10 DIMENSIONS OF WELLNESS.

When you hear someone say "Oh I need to be Healthier." What do you think? Well, I used to think I just need to exercise and eat better. But that is just a SMALL part of it.

Being healthy - or overall wellness is not just physical and nutritional. There are 10 DIMENSIONS of wellness.

Let's break them down...

1. PHYSICAL: Obviously you all know what that entails. Structured exercise, and active lifestyle practice.

2. NUTRITIONAL: Making good nutrient dense food choices!! Also establishing and maintaining a healthy weight (whatever that may be for you!)

3. MEDICAL AND DENTAL: Making sure you are going to your regular doctor and dentists appointments? Are you adhering to prevention, treatment recommendations from your doctor, dentist or other healthcare provider and following established guidelines?

4. SOCIAL: Enjoying family, friends and having good social support and cohesion. If not- take a step back and adjust your friend group. It is also okay to not talk to some family members if they make your mental health- unstable.

5. ENVIRONMENTAL: Creating a personal space to enhance well-being, being a steward of natural resources in the world. Are you picking up trash and putting it in the correct bins? Are you creating a space that is good and healthy?

6. SPIRITUAL: Identifying your core values, identity, and purpose, and living in alignment with them.

7. BEHAVIORAL AND INTELLECTUAL: Make sure you are doing things that have a positive impact on life, exploring new ideas, learning new skills. Using safety gear and avoiding harmful behaviors.

8. PSYCHOLOGICAL AND EMOTIONAL: Coping, managing stress, problem solving, and creating good decision making habits.

9. OCCUPATIONAL: Engaging in meaningful and rewarding activities (job and hobbies), and addressing personal interests, skills, and performance satisfaction.

10. FINANCIAL: Planning and saving, managing cash and credit accounts and financial risk.

...WOOF. See!! I told you that there is a lot that goes into Wellness. It is NOT JUST ABOUT YOUR OUTER APPEARANCE AND WHAT YOU FEED YOUR BODY. It is so much more than that!

I definitely know that I have room to improve on some of these dimensions. They all influence each other in some way. Just because you are good in physical and nutritional does NOT mean you are good at social, spiritual and behavioral/intellectual. You could be slacking!! We need to have balance in all dimensions. Its hard and it takes practice but let's do it together!

IM ALIVE AND WELL.

Holy crap. I have not written on this blog in almost a year. Life got busy thats for sure. Just a little update for all you readers (cause I know there are soooooo many):

• I'M A MARRIED WOMAN. Woooohhooooooo!!!!! Im now Madison Groesbeck!! (Pronounced "gross-beck"). I've been married for 5 months and its been the best. Its crazy how fast these 5 months have flown by. Jake proposed in September and we got married December 29th, 2018.

proposal on September 16th, 2018.

Wedding Day, December 29th, 2018.

• I'M A COLLEGE GRADUATE. I graduated (officially) in December with my Bachelors of Science in Public Health. I walked in July but officially completed my undergrad in December. It's weird to be graduated honestly and still live in Rexburg but I love it. 

• I have a full time job at Grand Peaks Medical in Rexburg as their Patient Care Coordinator. Now- some of you are probably wondering what the heck is a patient care coordinator?? Basically I make sure all of our high risk patients (and not high risk) get the best care they need. If they get referred to a specialist- I make sure they are scheduled and have all the information they need. If they have diabetes and need education? I'm your gal! If you have needs for resources in the community? I'm your gal. If you want to lose weight but don't know how? I'm your gal. I wear many hats and I love it. I love working on care plans, I love helping patients and making them feel comfortable and that they are taken care of. 

• I'm a certified Lifestyle Coach for Diabetes and I'm also a certified Wellness coach. I had to get certified and do hours of training as part of my job when I got hired. But, I LOVE IT because its right up my alley on what I studied in my undergrad. It is also right up my alley-ish on what I want to go on and further study- Nutrition!! 

That is pretty much all the life updates you need from me. Jake is a full time student studying to apply for PT school. We're going to Hawaii in a week with his family and.. that is pretty much it. Life is GOOD. It is officially JUNE! 

Now, Im going to do a tad bit of editing on what the heck my blog is going to be about now. It will still be my online journal but... different. I'm going to be posting a lot about Health & Wellness. Why? Because that is something I am very passionate about and something I want to be more vocal about. People think to be healthy- you just have to exercise and eat nutrient dense food. No. thats not everything. There are 10 dimensions of wellness that goes into if a person is "healthy" or not and I want to talk about those on here. Not just for you but for me. I want to talk about what it takes to help you accomplish your goals. How to stay on track with good habits you want to stick with. I have struggled all my life with an unhealthy relationship with food and myself. I have anxiety and struggle with depression sometimes. I have even struggled with an eating disorder. I take medicine for it but it's still something you have to deal with every day. I am far from perfect. But, I want to be better. I want to share my progress on here with you for myself. Maybe someone will benefit from it. Maybe they will learn something. WHO KNOWS. But, it is here if you want it and if you need it. 

LETS DO THIS THING.

SPRING SEMESTER 2018

Holy Cow. How did Spring Semester just fly by?!? I FREAKING GRADUATED COLLEGE. Granted, I should've graduated a while ago (who cares I take my time- mental health is more important than finishing in the set period of time that I should've and I've learned that!!).

I'm starting my internship with the Eastern Idaho Public Health Department next semester and I'm excited but nervous!!! I'll still work as a TA on campus for NUTR150 for the time being as well so I can make money because well... internships aren't paid.

This spring semester was so fun- it sucked a lot of the time though because I'm doing long distance with Jake. WHICH- I highly don't recommend but I mean I do recommend it if its what you have to do. I would not want to do long distance with anyone else but Jake. I love him!! He's the sweetest, funniest, and kindest person ever! Anyways- I will save the gushy stuff ;)

The beginning of spring semester was spring break! It was so much fun. I was home for it and I got to spend it with Natalie, Ethan, Kaitlyn, Katie and Alyse!! Alyse came to visit for a couple days and Katie was in town for a competition for a school thing that happened in the Fall but they had a competition for it. We went to Pike Place, ate yummy food, did all the touristy things and it was just great!! Then, my parents and I went to Utah for the weekend before I had to be back to school for Jackson's birthday! Jackson had no idea that my parents were coming. He thought it was just me but what was fun too was Tyler and Cassie came along! So, we had our whole family together in Utah celebrating the cutest 5 year old's birthday ever!! We also FINALLY redid our family pictures.

After a weekend filled with laughs, memories and a cute birthday party...I headed back to Rexburg for Spring Semester. I LOVE Springtime in Rexburg. It is sunny, happy and just a whole different environment in Rexburg. Spring Semester was filled with running (lots and lots of running!), Hammocking in our courtyard, naps on sundays, facetime dates with cutest redhead I know, traveling, hikes and laughs. Lots of laughs. It was one for the books.

MAY

May was great! It was memorial day weekend, mothers day, and the month before you knew it was officially summer time. One night, Kiersten convinced me to go to this "chalk fight" in Porter Park..............it was ridiculous. We waited for over an hour before we even got to throw chalk at each other, it was dancing and one of those dances that I'd probably go to if I had more energy hahaha. But, it was honestly so much fun. Another time we were hanging out with our friends, Austin, Justin, and their roommates and we decided to make this bomb..... okay not really a bomb but it was this at home one kind of and it was so much fun when we finally actually did it right. Another exciting thing that happened in the month of May... NATALIE GOT ENGAGED!! Ethan finally ;) popped the question! OH! I also met Jake's parents and siblings which was super fun. I was so nervous because Jake wasn't there but it was so great. I had so much fun. I had dinner over at his grandma's house in blackfoot and they were in town for his other grandparent's anniversary party. So that was super fun! I love them so much. Kiersten and I also went and tried this "crispy cones" place which makes this treat from the Czech Republic that I had when I went to Prague and you guessed it- its better in Europe lol but it was still super yummy! May was filled with also lots of long runs and short runs, mini photoshoots with roommates and the farmers market! But, it was filled with lots of running because I was finishing my training for my half marathon at the beginning of June. 

JUNE

So I ran a freaking HALF MARATHON!!!!! That is honestly the best part about the month of June. Natalie and I made it a goal of ours at the beginning of the year to run a half marathon and.... WE DID IT. I am so freaking proud of us!!!!!!!!! I want to run another one... I haven't really ran much since then... I've been so busy with school and work. I need to start getting back into it. But, it won't be that hard to do. It's also so freaking hot out during the day now that I need to either run later in the evening or early in the morning. Which is hard right now with school. I also went and visited Jake which was so great. I ugly cried when we said goodbye cause it was just such a great weekend. It was so great to see him after 2 months of only face timing. We also went on a hike near mesa falls 

JULY 

wowowow JULY. I love you July. Well first things first--Jake surprised me for the 4th of July!!!! It was so great. He was driving from Connecticut to Arizona (or so I thought) but decided to drive all the way to Idaho. He drove with his brother Jaden- he didn't stop to sleep at all. During the night they just switched off and slept while the other one drove. He made it to his Aunt's house on July 3rd- I found out the night before and then he hung out with me all for the 4th. It was so great. July was busy and flew by. I also walked in graduation!!!! Jake came to that too :) so did my parents, mitch, kayla, jackson, scarlett and katie!!! So many of my loved ones all in one place. I was so so so happy. It was also so great to walk across that stage! I just have my internship left to finish and then I am DONE with my bachelors degree!!!!! YAY! So crazy. I couldn't have done half of what I did without my parents. They have been such an amazing support to me these past 5 (yes lol 5) years working on my bachelors degree. After graduation I went and stayed in Arizona for a week with Jake which was perfect. We just have a month and a half left of long distance- I am so happy about that. We're in the final stretch. Now I'm just enjoying summer and will be headed back to Rexburg in the fall for my internship!!